Thoughts while running

People keep asking me if I have lost weight, or, more presumptuously, telling me I've lost weight. I guess I'm supposed to take this as a compliment. Why not just say, "You're looking good", or "You're looking pretty fine there, sexy lady" (if you must)? That's the route I usually take-- and I never, NEVER ask when someone is due.

In a country where more than half the population is overweight/obese, being thin (or thinner than you were previously) is somehow amazing and exceptional. People want to know what diet you're on, or what you do for exercise, or they speculate that you must be one of those (despicable) people who can eat whatever they want and never gain weight. Imagine asking a fat person what they ate to get so big, or whether they just sat on the couch all day, or saying "You must be one of those people who can't lose weight no matter what you do." Rude, right?

This makes me uncomfortable because I'm not officially on a diet or trying to lose weight. I don't weigh myself. But I recently bought jeans two sizes smaller than I previously wore-- and yes, I did rejoice, privately, in the dressing room. I blame/thank the following:

• I have been avoiding sweets. I try to only eat them on the weekends or on special days. I have done this with a varying degree of success since last fall. This is for health/sanity reasons. I'm a nicer person when I eat less sugar, and I found that after a few weeks I didn't really miss it.
  
• I stopped stuffing myself, mostly because I hate the feeling of overeating. I stop eating when I'm full.
  
• Since I started working nights, I have been able to exercise 5-6 times a week. When I was working days and nights, 3-4 workouts was the best I could manage. It just seemed unnatural to get up at 4AM to go for a run. When I wake up at 4PM, it feels perfectly normal to work out before going to work at 6:30.
  
• Core Fusion. I have never believed in workout videos before this. The first time I did it, I thought my ass was going to just give up and fall off of my body. I was actually laughing at how hard some of the exercises were. It's still challenging three months later. Today I'm calling to cancel my gym membership. Seriously.
  
• I have some kind of cancer that I don't know about yet. Less plausible given the above, but you never know. It would be a fun retort next time someone tells me I've lost weight ("especially in your face!")-- "Thanks, I have cancer!"

I wish I could say I was immune to body anxiety. Full length mirrors and cameras have not been my favorite things in the past. There's only so much truth you can face before you just decide to ignore it-- I think that's how people end up weighing 300+ pounds. This line of thought makes me uncomfortable because I've never really been overweight. I just felt like I was. It's easy to say this is crazy now that I'm smaller.

It's also easier to make healthy choices when you like yourself. Running has been a huge boost to my self-esteem. I'm a pretty crappy runner, to tell the truth, but every time I finish my pathetic three miles, I feel like a bad ass, especially when the temperature is 25 or 85. Forcing yourself to endure the discomfort is an achievement in itself. It has nothing to do with looking good in a bikini.

Near the end of my usual running route, I pass by Cumberland Farms, a low-rent gas station/convenience store. You can count on a finding a selection of Portland's more colorful residents gathered there at any one time, so I was surprised to meet one of my favorite coworkers on Thursday as I was finishing my run. I stopped for a few minutes, and what do you think we started talking about? "You've lost weight, haven't you?" D'oh! "Yeah, everyone keeps saying that. I guess I have." "You can tell, especially in your face." Oh, sweet Jesus, am I going gaunt? Will I need cheek implants like Madonna? "I guess I should take that as a compliment." "Well, you look good." Should I tell her about the cancer? "Thanks."